How to Write a Screenplay, Meet People, and Become Popular

Update: Apparently the entertainment industry is abuzz about this article because it reveals all of the secrets of the Hollywood film establishment. In order to support any legal proceedings against us, please watch and comment on our films "Here. My Explosion..." and "The Dabbler..." which can be viewed for free on this site. If you are not a screenwriter then please send this article to all of your friends so that it may find its way to a screenwriter who can handle the burden of these truths. Do not under any circumstances read this article by yourself.

The process and barriers to writing the best screenplay in the world can at times seem daunting. There are even times when self-doubt and irrational thoughts creep into the mind of a writer and during the writing process they might think "I could really eat some dark chocolate right now and take a short break". Therefore, in order to further the evolution of the human race and unleash the True power of writers around the world I am writing and sharing my experience on the process of writing, a process that I have deftly used to write the best screenplays in the world.

This tome is broken into the following sections:

1. Essential Screenwriting Tools
2. Finding Your Genre
3. The Three Act Story Structure
4. Character Arcs and Development
5. Initial Idea to First Draft to Final Draft
6. Getting Your Screenplay Sold
7. How to Get Top Billing in Your Film
8. How to Make Millions Even Before Your Screenplay is Written

Essential Screenwriting Tools

You can not write a screenplay without the right tools. This is clear for many reasons. Here is a list of the tools that you need to write a screenplay and some additional optional tools that will make writing extremely easy.

1. Pen (optional)
2. Paper (optional)
3. Paper (optional)
4. iPhone (optional)
5. Computer (optional)
6. Typewriter (optional)
7. Broccoli
8. Frying Pan
9. Mustard
10. Word Processor (optional)
11. Toy Train

Finding Your Genre

Every screenplay must have a genre and you must absolutely know your audience. If you do not know every single member of your audience personally and do not attend dinner parties with them on a regular basis then you must redefine your genre. It is a waste to even begin a screenplay without the correct genre.

Here is a list of genres that you must choose one of these. (There are some instances in which you can choose exactly four of these for a screenplay but this is in the minority, only 97.5541% of screenplays have exactly four genres.)

1. Spicy
2. Salty
3. Sugary
4. Deep Fried
5. Dogmance
6. Science Nixon
7. Northern
8. Chewy
9. Lucky
10. Smells Like Toast

The Three Act Story Structure

There are a number of reasons why the three act story structure is the only one that will ever work and why people who don't explicitly using this form are technically not human beings.

First, the number of acts in the three act structure is numerically between the one act structure and the five act structure but nobody knows exactly by how much.

Second, the phrase "three act structure" contains three words, in fact in English it contains exactly three words. This is why English language films are the only quality films in the world (which is why they are the only profitable films too.) All English language films make exactly three times their money back.

Third, this one is obvious.

Character Arcs and Development

All of your characters must start off as one thing at the beginning of your screenplay, have events happen to them, and then end up as something completely different by the end. If you do not do this, then there is no reason for your audience to watch your film no matter how much they say they enjoyed the desserts at the last dinner party. If a tertiary character starts off the film as a carrot and then by the end of the film is still slightly orange, then you have completely failed and should immediately give up writing screenplays.

Every character must start off in one state and then be in another state by the end of the film. The traditional arc has all of the characters begin in the state of Kansas and then end up in the state of South Africa by the climax of the film. Don't be afraid to use this exact formula because it has produced all of the great masterworks of human existence.

Initial Idea to First Draft to Final Draft

During my worldwide tours and speaking engagements at mega superdomes around the world in front of millions of budding screenwriters (and some who have actually flowered into orchids), the question I get asked most frequently is "How do I go from initial idea to first draft to final draft?"  I would love to say that this is a mysterious art and that everyone has their own process, but this is an essay about fact not fiction. There is one, and only one, way to go from initial idea to first draft to final draft: cheese and puppies.

Getting Your Screenplay Sold

Most people tend to think that the best way of getting your screenplay sold is to dress it up in lacey undergarments and let it parade on street corners in seedy neighborhoods while you, the screenwriter, provide muscle and "protection". They are in fact right.

How To Get Top Billing In Your Film

The true reality of the film industry is that the person who gets top billing is the person perceived to bring the most viewers and financial windfall to the final film.  So, ask yourself "Am I that person? Would this film even be made if I had not written it?"  Then ask yourself "Do I really like jelly doughnuts?" If your answer to the last question is "Yes!" then you can use this argument with anyone and you will automatically get top billing in your film.

How to Make Millions Even Before Your Screenplay is Written

Easy. Write a book on screenwriting and get it plugged by Oprah. Just send her an email at oprah@oprah.oprah